Red Shirt

When You Don't Know What It Is

What do you do when you feel like something is happening to you and you don’t know what it is?

When it feels like you are becoming something that you are not yet (or not fully aware of yet) — when your sense-of-self feels too connected to who you have been. And, in some way, that combination of 'have been', 'are', and 'becoming' sense of things is disorienting.

Do you ever wonder if you already are something that you haven’t yet become?

What do you do when you feel like something is happening to you and you don’t know what it is?

Like you are becoming something that you are not yet (or not fully aware of yet) — when your sense of self feels too connected to who you have been. And, in some way, that combination of 'have been', 'are', and 'becoming' sense of things is disorienting.

Put another way, do you ever wonder if you already are something that you haven’t yet become?

Like some cosmic game of Wordle, something has selected your word, but you don’t know what it is yet. And, you are trying to use the information that you have to deduce something, via a process of elimination, that is already there...and it isn't really working. Having just turned 59, maybe my sense of things is that there are only so many more guesses — like being on guess 5 (out of 6).

These days, I feel like this is happening to me. Something is moving, but in slow motion. I keep going, but not sure where or why...not knowing what is happening (or if something even is).

What if nothing is happening...and I just want it to?

It feels like something is dying and something is about to be born, at the same time.

I have come to recognize this phenomenon in other people, or people in general. Dying and new life are often far more closely connected than we realize. And, that reality is something we actually need to get far more comfortable with to have a healthy existence.

However, when it is happening to me, it is less recognizable. At the very least, it is easier for me to get confused.

Another thing I’ve learned (or, perhaps, just observed) is that there is usually something pretty consistently near confusion — fear.

So, I’m asking myself, what I am afraid of right now?

And, as long as the observations are flowing, here’s another one. A sibling of fear is often desire.

So, I’m asking myself, what is it that I’m really wanting…that I’m afraid to move more fully toward?

I’m wearing a red shirt today (something I never do…more on that another time). My wife even pointed it out; a ‘red’ shirt? So, I have more than one indicator that something is afoot —that I’m reaching for something or something is reaching for me.

When this kind of thing is happening, the signs get increasingly obvious. You do things you don’t normally do. You are uncomfortable. Something is dying…and something is being born.

Something is happening — let it happen.